Donkey Kong 64
by Alex Sambora
Summary: Novelization of DK64 set in my human AU with a familial subplot... Rated T just to be safe and because this thing can get perverted, namely once we hit Angry Aztec.
1. A Visit-Flavored Suprise or Enter KRool

Disclaimer: I only own the humanized forms of the Kong group. If you would like links to what some look like PM me.

NOTE: Ha! Didn't hink I'd actually go this far, huh? I did...

**Summary:** DK64 set in my human AU.

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Proulog-Visit-Flavored Surprise or Enter K. Rool!

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On a bright sunny day, the water sparkled as the camera pans in on a luciously green island that one would mistake for Ireland had they not received or had been receiving a proper education. Doves flew by it, tweeting melodiously, saying hello to the various life forms on the land.

Starting to sound like a Disney thing, right?

Well, it's not.

Seals clapped. The strange part-those seals were dressed like pirates. But then again, Nintendo created this universe so I guess it makes sense. Oh, and one of them did a backflip. They were disrupted by the low humming of something mechanical.

A giant metal croc-shaped "ship" slowly drifted along, guided by a dog-like person running its wheel with two idiots in green pants and black vests, the one shouting "right" being Aleksandr and the one shouting "left" being Alexei, telling him which way to go. Every now and then, the dog-person would yip in annoyance as their directions contradicted each other. Sirens started going off but Alexei and Aleksandr didn't pay attention.

Elsewhere, the sirens fell on deaf ears. On a throne that one would think was a chair you find in a submarine sat an evil man. Strands of green hair protruded from every angle imagineable on his head, a golden crown perched on top, his intense emerald eyes staring angrily at a blank screen, one eye a bit bulgy and red. He wore a green shirt, green pants, a yellow vest, and a red cape. Oddly, his fingernails were painted green. On his lap sat a green cat, which he stroked vigorously.

"I've been waiting a long time for this moment," the evil man muttered. "Soon, Donkey Kong and his pretty little island will be no more." He pressed a button on his chair. "Technician! how is our latest invention coming?

In the room full of technicians, one of which was dangling from a lever with his cries for help being ignored because he needed to learn a lesson, two men stood by the PA on a very large machine. One, named Nikolai, was wearing a white coat, otherwise dressed exactly like the other Kremlings, as the green-wearers were called, and was the man the evil person was talking to.

"King K. Rool, y'majesty, it is coming along really-" He stopped when suddenly the lights went out on the giant contraption.

"Is there a problem?" the evil man's, K. Rool's, voice came.

Nikolai and his companion, Grigori, looked at each other and shrugged. Grigori pressed a few buttons. The two looked at each other again and Grigori banged his head on the control board, bringing the lights back.

"No, sir, no problem," Nikolai replied, throwing his friend a thumbs up. "Everything's fine."

Back in the control room Alexei and Aleksandr finally noticed the flashing lights. Alexei even screamed, "LOOK OUT!" to no one in particular.

If you had been on the outside and were somehow watching this escapade, you would have seen the ship and its chained comapanion (did I mention that?) being tossed around like a cow in a tornado. The situation was pretty much the same on the inside, except no one saw the iceberg the ship then crashed into.

Everything came to a halt.

Suddenly, the engine was trying to start. When it did, the steerer(s) carefully backed up and turned it around to face the island mentioned at the very beginning of this chapter.

Epic music played.

"Guards!" K. Rool shouted(by the way, we're back with him).

Down the hall ambled three minons. One was a street thug named Kasplat. He had white hair in a mohawk and wore a black, sleeveless leather jacket, blue jeans, combat boots, a short-sleeved blue t-shirt, sunglasses, and spiked bracelets and a spiked choker. (We will meet is brothers Red, Yellow, Green, Blue, and Purple later on.) The second was a Kremling named Dimitri.

The third was a porker named Klump. Pink and green hair adorned his head underneath an army helmet and he wore a seargent's uniform, belt and all. When he entered the room behind his cohorts, his belly bumped them out of the way.

"We here sir!" Klump said, saluting. "What are your orders?"

"I want you to do _everything_ in your power to keep Donkey Kong distracted," K. Rool said. Kasplat and Dimitri looked at each other as if having the same perverted thought but frowned when K. Rool continued. "Steal that hoard of Golden Bananas he treasures _so much _and take care of his _pathetic _friends! _This time there can be no mistakes._"

"Oh, your excellency," Klump began, rubbing his hands together, "we've already taken care of business!" He laughed maniacally but faultered when his commander spoke sharply.

"I hope for _your_ sake you're _right_ this time."

K. Rool waved his hand, sending his minions off. Pressing another button on his control panel once they were gone caused the screen in front of him to turn on, showing an image of a young man doing push-ups, which was creepy when you think about it. He formed the evil-finger-pyramid-of-contemplation with his hands, staring at his long-time enemy.

"While you're busy looking for your precious Golden Bananas and flea-bitten friends, I'll be preparing my visit-flavored surprise..."


	2. Training

Disclaimer: I only own the human forms of the characters. I might partially own the Kremlings because I gave them names.

**NOTE:** To understand half of what Cranky says in this you may need to either be in the Destiel/Supernatural or Doctor Who fandoms. Or you may just need to follow either my sister, my cousin, or me on tumblr...

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Chapter 1: Training

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_"I'll be preparing my visit-flavored surprise..."_

A chill went up the black-head boy's spine as he felt an unsettling presence in the air. His multi-colored eyes, the right brown and the left blue, stayed trained on the ground as he did push-ups, trying to finish his set, the hip-hop/rap music from the boom box filling the air.

"Ninety-one... ninety-two... ninety-three... ninety-"

"DK, DK!" a voice called, throwing the boy, DK, off balance and on to his face. In through the door flew (quite literally actually) a boy with spiked green hair wearing a red, green, and yellow-colored daishiki, and green shorts. One might think this boy liked green-but then you see the wings... "DK, come quickly, it's an emergency!"

"What Squwaks?!" DK shouted, literally jumping to his feet. "What was so important that you had to interupt me finally getting to a hundred?!"

"They're gone! They're all gone!"

Silence save the music.

DK stood frozen in fear. Was the flying boy, Squwaks, trying to say the bananas were gone?

"S-Squwaks," he started, "firstly, I'm sorry I yelled. Secondly, what do you mean by 'they'...?"

"Your Banana Hoard and the other Kongs! Vanished! I can't find them anywhere!"

"Dammit!" DK punched the wall. "What do we do?"

"I think you'd better tell Cranky," Squwaks said. "He might know what to do." DK nodded and the bird-boy left.

Cranky was DK's father and the resident smart-ass, crochety old man, and former ruler of the island. He was once known as Donkey Kong Senior but some incidents with a certain plumber named Jumpman caused him to grow old and bitter and hate the world, earning him the nickname Stronzo until his wife pointed out a way they could still call him that but only in subtext, thus giving him the name he has now. Despite his mean desposition, he was and still is a very wise man, perhaps the wisest on the island, and everyone knows that deep down he cares deeply for his son.

Just don't say anything about it if you value your life.

DK clambered down from his porch (his house was in a tree for some reason) and made his way to his dad's cabin. When he entered, he found an old man with brown eyes, white hair, and a white beard sitting in front of an old-looking Microsoft computer, biting into a sandwich. He wore a labcoat over a black mock-turtleneck and jeans and perched on his face was a pair of black-framed glasses similar to the Tenth Doctor's.

"Dklover101295, I swear, you will be the death of the Doctor Who and Destiel fandoms," he said, shaking his head as he exited what he was looking at.

"Cranky-" DK started.

"I'm aware the Banana Hoard and your friends are gone." Cranky looked at the shocked expression on his son's face and grinned. "How did I know? I do other things than experiment and spend the day on the computer. I _do_ have a life, you know."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It slipped my mind. Anyway, if you expect me to help you in this quest, you have to go through my training first."

Silence. Another grin slowly spread on to Cranky's face at how pale DK suddenly was.

"T-training?" the kid nearly shouted. "More of it? Didn't I already go through sixteen years worth when I was growing up?"

"Yes," Cranky replied, entering the _Supernatural _section of fanfiction-dot-net "But you're lazy. So hop to it or I'm going to scare you with an M-rated Destiel fanfiction."

DK immediately ran outside but stopped when he was half-way to his supposed destination as he realized he was never told where he was to train. But then he just decided to wander around until he found it for fear of what was in the M-rated Desitel fanfiction his father had threatened him with.

_XXX_

"Well, you look terrible," Cranky said when DK re-entered the lab.

"Understatement," DK replied flatly. His hair was singed from the orange grenades and exploding barrels and he was covered in mud-like soot. His clothes were also rather stiff.

Cranky let a mad giggle out from behind the book he was reading, _The Two Doctors_, which DK then snatched and whacked him with a few times.

"It's not funny you senile bat!"

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A/N: I'm sorry this took so long! _This_ is why I'm not allowed in the Doctor Who or Supernatural fandoms...


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